What is your deepest need?
(or your biggest fear?) and how to address and heal your parts
Some years ago, I went with two female friends on a long weekend along the Dutch coast. It was winter, the wind was whipping around the dunes, there was a soft layer of powdery snow on the sand and we had rented a cozy bungalow right behind the dunes.
It was a perfect weekend for retreating, for hot drinks, for airing out the cobwebs on the beach and for deep, vulnerable talks around a table of food and wine.
At some point, one of my friends was sharing her experience of a therapy session she recently had, where the therapist asked her what her deepest need was. It got me wondering. Don’t needs change? I asked. Well, yes, the daily ones do. But the deepest one only does when it is healed.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it. She said: “Let’s ask it the other way around: what is your biggest fear"? Oh, I could list a few of those: being vulnerable, being or getting it wrong, not being able to fix something I feel is my fault,… Exploring those fears led to sharing situations where that feeling was present: conflicts, my divorce, etc where I felt deeply unheard and unseen and where I couldn’t seem to get my feelings voiced and explained.
“Oh, you have a deep need to be understood.” she said.
I nodded as I felt the truth of those words sink in. Thinking back to the past, I would always get upset in difficult situations or conflict when I felt that the other person did not understand my point of view or where I felt I wasn’t able to explain how I felt. Whether it is a break-up, a promotion that didn't happen or a simple argument. I have a deep need to understand the why, I need to know what went wrong, how I can possibly fix it and/or what I can do to improve. I also have a need of the other person to listen and confirm that they understand where I stand.
Our deepest needs are often the result of trauma we have experienced. - Teal Swan
Often enough, many of these deeper needs and emotional states tend to date back from childhood, where I always wanted to be the good girl, where, in order to fulfil that need and making sure I was understood, I tended to avoid conflict, often covering up my own personality and values in order to be loved. This didn't work of course and all it did was undermine the structure of your self.
It took me some years of therapy to figure out how to accept all the parts of myself and learn to harmonize them.
What has become clear is that whenever something feels off, something needs to be questioned. And, whether I like it or not, any setbacks or issues, after analysis, still often come back down to that deep need to be understood.
We are often merged (or blended) with our emotional experience (or inner parts/ see IFS and video) where we feel that we are our emotion (I am misunderstood). Unblending is a way to detach from the emotion to become an observer.
So when things are off, I look back at where I might have said yes for the wrong reasons (to please), where my body felt it but my mind overwrote it. I think about recent (often very small) situations where I felt unheard, unseen or not understood. I try to listen in a non-intervening, attentive, open-minded and open-hearted way to what is happening in my body, what wants to come out. And it often makes me feel like the misunderstood child who tried to please, impress and only wanted to be loved. That misunderstood child is just a part of me that I can then go see, listen to and soothe.
As life keeps changing, this is an ongoing activity. Like keeping fit, it has become part of my self-maintenance. And like with fitness, I sometimes fall off the treadmill, have to pick myself up and begin again.
If you are now wondering, what your deepest need might be but can’t grasp it, I invite you to gently explore what your biggest fears are and where they originated. It is indeed very useful to get help with that and if you want to try IFS therapy, you can consult the online directory for IFS therapists here.
As with all deep dives into our emotional beings, I hope that you go gently, are patient and find what suits you best.
Additional reading:
Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It)
How To Practice IFS On Your Own
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
The Internal Family Systems Workbook: A Guide to Discover Your Self and Heal Your Parts