Angry anyone?

There is no such thing as past anger and how honouring your anger will set you free.

After a recent session with my osteopath, he said: you are storing a lot of anger!

I was stunned!

Sure, I had a lot of anger after I got divorced. But I had done everything in my might to get rid of it! Therapy, retreats, reflexology, massages, meditation practice, self-help books, reiki, shiatsu, etc.

Why was there still anger after so many years???

So I analysed it, looked at it, meditated on it.

And found out that apparently I am still sitting on some anger geared at myself!

Seriously?

Seriously!

Let me tell you that anger at yourself (and often when you’re angry about something or someone it has more to do with yourself than the other...) is the worst kind. And the hardest to get rid of.

So I was ready to get rid of it. And first of all: why wasn't it gone yet?

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. --Eckhart Tolle

So I was throwing my anger problem into my friends circle. And one of them simply said: 'oh, well yeah, you first have to honour your anger before you can let it go.'

I looked at her like 'What???'

So in order for you to benefit from this conversation, I am stepping out of my comfort zone here and laying it all bare. Because that discussion did so much for me and I believe it may help those of you who carry anger around as well. It is more or less the exact chat I had with my wonderful friend, word for word and I have her permission for sharing it with you.

ME: Honour my anger? What does that even mean?

SHE: Simply put: thank your anger - acknowledge and receive all it has done and all the purposes it has served...

ME: Right... How do you honour something that makes you mad?

SHE: By honouring the anger, not the events.

ME: Ah...

SHE: Honour the anger because it was guiding you back to truth, to love, to yourself, to clear boundaries.

ME: I can't get my head around that.

SHE: So let your head stay clear of it and let your heart get around it. Anger is always there to tell us that something is out of alignment. That is always its purpose. So this anger is leading you to the truth of what happened, what your role was, the vicious cycle you created. The truth - not judgement, just simple truth - of when and how you didn't take care of yourself or couldn't see how to. The moments when you self-sacrificed.

At this point I was of course in tears. What she was telling me spoke to the truth of that part deep down in me. That part that I had always rationalised away saying 'get up', 'you got this', 'move on', 'be strong'.

ME: But this is all past anger. I'm done with that. I just want to get rid of it.

SHE: If anger is still present, you're still angry - there's no such thing as 'past anger'  - if it were over it wouldn't be there.

ME: Ohhhh...

SHE: What does the anger bring up? Pain? Loss? Powerlessness? What dust is it kicking up that you don't like?

ME: Sadness. And being mad at myself for not being able to make things work.

SHE: So all the love in the world couldn't fix it, couldn't make it work?...

ME: Yes! I felt insecure und not understood. And I'm afraid it will happen again, that I will make the same mistakes again.

SHE: What mistakes did you make?

ME: Not opening up enough, miscommunication, not getting help earlier.

SHE: So I didn't do XYZ for myself... This is what I meant about self sacrifice and self care. It has to do with the trust of yourself when you are in love, your sovereignty, your limits of power, your acceptance, your surrender. And finding peace with all of those things.
Anger and your discomfort with it leads you back to the truth of where you were harmed and where your true safety lies - in your own hands.

ME: Right. That's not an easy place to get to.

SHE: OK how about making a list of everything this anger has done for you? This is the honoring piece.

ME: yes... but how do I start when it's all not so clear yet in my mind...?

SHE: Let me give you some examples:
- Thank you for keeping me safe these past years by keeping me out of another relationship where I might have lost myself.

ME: WOW! And here I was, wondering why I'm not meeting anyone! It's like you switched on a light!

SHE: - Thank you for teaching me where I was judging others and myself.
- Thank you for teaching me how to forgive myself.
- Thank you for leading me to know I am safe in my own hands.
- Thank you for showing me I fell out of trust with myself and want it back.
- Thank you for showing me where I self-betrayed, where I tried to control another, where I fought alone.

ME: Hell you're good at this...

SHE: hahaha, it's easy from the outside...
So breathe into that, bless that anger. It has shown you a lot. Love it. And tell it you have new ways to cultivate sovereignty and internal sourcing of love. New tools to check in and feel safety. Reassure it that you're safe without it.
Why not get out your gel pens and honour your anger by drawing a flower with anger in the middle and write around it all the gifts it gave you, everything it is showing you.

And I did just that. I stayed home that evening and the next day, cancelled all plans, lit a fire and candles and just sat there with my anger. Looked it in the face. And then drew it out on paper.

Let me tell you that that conversation was a door opener and that time spent honouring something I thought was bad and negative, was no easy feat. It was emotionally draining.
But afterwards I felt different. My coach even said that I radiate a different energy.

I consider my anger as a useful beast. Not one I need to tame but one that is a messenger, showing me there is pain underneath, that something is off and not aligned. I hope I will now be able to look at it when it arises, instead of repressing it, to analyse the message it has for me and to act upon it.

So my dear reader, if by now you too think: I have a lot of 'past anger' cropped up... You know now that you need to start by honouring it! Use the above conversation and fill in the words and descriptions that fit your situation. Or have such a discussion with an open and trusting friend.

I guarantee that it will change your world!